SURVIVOR OF PAIN

I have family and friends who all love me and support me in all the decisions that I make.  I do great in school and other extracurricular activities. When others take a glimpse into my life, they think that it is perfect. They choose to believe what they want to see rather than what they really see in me. In reality, though, it isn’t and it never will be. They don’t understand this darker side of me that is hidden. When I look into the mirror, I see a different person. I see the emptiness in me, the fading of tears, the pain my eyes depict.  I see the wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. All my questions, thoughts, and self-doubt are all plastered in the mirror. The deeper I think, the deeper I seem to sink. I have depression at times in my life.  

I am different from everyone else and I wish I wasn’t. For once I wish I could just fit in effortlessly without having so many doubts, with the ability to socialize properly without any backlash. I feel like everything I say or do is just judged and I want that feeling to go away. I want to be NORMAL like everybody else. I feel so small and insignificant compared to everybody else. I feel so lonely at times that it hurts so much.  I am left out constantly and I hate it when people purposely leave me out or show that they don’t want me there. It hurts because then I just feel like a nuisance, asking myself why am I even there in the first place? Nobody even fully appreciates me for me. They appreciate the fact that I am smart, that I can do their work for them, or the fact that I am the type of person to help anybody. People just take advantage of my skills and use them to their benefit. What does that make me then? I honestly don’t know at this point. The thought of it just makes my mental health plummet down drastically.

I feel pain and have mood swings for no reason at all. The worst type of pain is when I smile just to keep the tears from falling. But one look at my eyes, and my facade crumbles and the truth is right there. I hear voices in my head that tell me "I'm worthless, I'm useless, I'm a nobody, I'm dumb." One word is all it takes for me to collapse. One word might not seem as much, but it's important to me. I don't even realize it but those words get stuck in me, repeat a thousand times like a broken tape recorder. The worst part is that I let myself believe that I am exactly that. I can't help the fact that I am sensitive, quiet, or somewhat socially awkward. I hate it when people judge me, make fun of me, and stereotype me as a quiet person because they don't know the real me. Some days are just great but then others are  I have really bad mental breakdowns. I ask myself why am I like this all the time. Sometimes it just feels like wherever I go, I am engulfed with darkness. Just when I think everything is going right, everything goes downhill. For every happy moment, there are 10 times more depressing moments for me and I wish it could just stop. It hurts so badly to feel like that. 

Written by Harini Sangeetham

Best Submission for August 2020- Person(ally)